Note: This is a historical fiction, the story is real, but the events and actual conversation are not as accurate due to my poor memory. I hope I’ll give justification to this event in my life though. Some name/s were also changed for their own privacy.
It’s 5 in the morning, but sleep is still so far away. I think Angie and I left our reunion at 3AM and it’s been 2 hours since then. We had our elementary batch reunion last night at one of my ex-classmate’s place. And that’s where I saw her, the person who has been in my thought since we left the event. If I’m going to be really honest, she has not just been in my thought since after the reunion, she’s actually been there since last week, when I started stalking her. Hmm. I’m talking to myself again, my heart and brain battling over what to do. Should I stop this madness? How do I erase this special feeling that’s slowly blossoming in my heart? What if I don’t do anything about this feeling, will I regret it? I hate this feeling, this uncertainty on what to do next. I’m the kind of person who always knew what to do, knew the next step of the game, knew her feelings and how to act on it. That’s the exact word, “knew”, that was then, I knew what to do and what to feel before I started stalking her and met her eventually. Now, I’m just a mess. I pressed my eyes shut, so hard it actually started to hurt, then came the image of Katie. I sighed at the thought of her, how come my mind is all over Dianne and suddenly the reality that I have a girlfriend for 4 years now has been set aside. “No, you have to stop this, now! Thinking about her, fixating your thoughts on someone that is so far beyond reality is absurd.” my brain said. “But what if Dianne is the one? How will you know if you don’t make a move or don’t even try?” my heart answered. Whew, what now Athennie? How many more of your internal organs are going to talk to you about this strange feeling that you’re having right now? I sighed once more, now louder, and when I looked at my Samsung trash phone, the same one that Katie has, it’s already 6AM. A groan came out of my mouth and I pressed a pillow on my face, I forced myself really hard to get the sleep I needed.
“Ate, wake up, mama said you’re going to church at 2:45”, it was Daphne’s voice that woke me up from my dreamless sleep. I looked at my phone and saw that it was already 12:30PM; I’ve just slept for more than 6 hours, which was more than enough actually, I can survive with only 4 to 5 hours of sleep. Since I started working in the BPO industry, my body clock has changed, though not that much as I was in the afternoon shift before, it’s just now that I’m back in the night shift, 10PM to 7AM and I still have my Saturdays and Sundays off. My mom and I went to church in Commonwealth area; we met Katie there and went home with her. She often stays in our place on the weekends. We’re both BSEd Major in English graduate and since we finished college, she did not have a job yet. Not that I’m complaining, because I know in myself that I’ve already done my part and pushed her to work in a BPO company or teach, as that was our profession, just so she can have a job experience, but at the end of the day that’s still her decision. She has been rejected from 2 BPO companies and that was the end of it for her, she doesn’t want to try anymore. That’s what I don’t like about her, she gives up easily, and she has a lot of insecurities. That was okay at first, I was like her mentor, her motivator, and she said she’s my # 1 fan. I was always pushing her, but I already got tired. We’ve been together since 2006, so we’ve been in this secret relationship for 4 years now, 4 years of pushing and motivating and still nothing. Whew!
We arrived home, went to my room and did our Sunday routine, watch our favorite series together. This time, we’re on Friends season 3, for the nth time. I fell asleep and woke up during dinner. Had dinner, watched again and slept. That was our monotonous routine, nothing new, nothing exciting. But this did not give me any reason to cheat on her and I know she was very loyal to me too.
Until Dianne arrived in the picture. Just the thought of her makes me smile, gives me the kilig I have never felt for a long time now. The TV was still on but my drifted far again, I looked at Katie and saw that she was already sleeping soundly. I turned off the TV and DVD player and went back to bed, went back to the thought of her. This time, I did not listen to any of my body organs; except my heart. I don’t want the feeling of regret, I don’t want to ask myself “What if” in the future. I took my Samsung phone and looked for Edalyn’s number, it was only 10PM so I think it was okay to text her at this time.
“Hi Edalyn, Athennie here, can I get Dianne’s number? I just need to ask her something.”
A reply came immediately:
“Sure, here you go, 0922-XXX-XXXX.”
Hmm, now what Athennie? You have her number, what’s your next step? I need to sleep on it and let’s see in the morning, I muttered to myself. I think I’m going to get crazy soon because of talking to myself. Haha!
Monday cannot come soon enough, I was thinking to myself as I was dressing for work. Katie was also preparing to go home. I took an FX going to Q.Ave MRT while she took one going to SM North Edsa, she lived in Pag Asa that time. While on the FX, I remembered her again, it’s just 830PM, maybe she’s still awake, so I took out my phone and started texting her.
“Hi Dianne, Athennie here. How are you?”
“Hello Athennie, I’m okay naman, how about you? “
“I’m on my way to work. I’m on 10-7 shift eh.”
“Oh, I see, as I remembered, you told me you’re working on the night shift now. Take care.”
I blushed, she remembers our conversation. Hmm.
“Thanks, how about you? What are you up to nowadays?”
“I’m still having my OJT at Napocor, then hopefully, I’ll graduate next year.”
“That’s good! Good luck on your OJT? What are you doing there?”
“I’m a programmer.”
Then I remembered her blog posts that I read when I was stalking her. She was an instructor both in Bestlink and Informatics. A kind of job or course of study that really makes my nose bleed, not literally though, haha. Honestly, I may be good with other stuff, but never on the computers, I’m fine with basics, navigating the net and all that, but never on the programming side or other applications that I don’t even know, I don’t even actually know what I’m talking about here. Haha! Well, my point was, that added to her ganda points, to know or be an expert in something that I’m not good at. I love challenges; I love the chase, especially if I’m going to chase someone like her.
“Oh, I see.” The only thing I can say, the hell if I comment on her work, I don’t wanna sound stupid.
She did not reply anymore. I arrived in the office, did the same work I’ve been doing for the past 3 years now. I love my job, but if I would be given a choice between this and a job which would reveal my adventure side, I would grab that job. But for now, I have to be practical; I still have a lot of responsibilities. I’m in the back office department, so I had a lot of idle time, meaning to say, I handle my own time, and I’m not required to take calls like in the ACD department that receiving calls every few minutes is inevitable. And in those idle times, and even when I’m trying to focus on work, I can’t help but think of her. I feel like a teenager having a crush on someone for the first time. I can’t help but smile every time I think about her. She just gives me the happiness and peacefulness that I can’t even fathom. Hays, I did my move, and let’s just see where this going, I reminded myself.
I received a text from her when I arrived home that morning. Saying sorry that she already fell asleep last night and she’s already at work. I replied saying it was okay. We talked about a lot of things, books that she likes, books that I like, movies, songs, reminiscing’ some elementary memories and the last reunion. This conversation not only last for that day, but for the next couple of days. Until something happened, which woke me up on daydream. It was Friday, on my way to work, we were again texting, I think during those times I was texting with her more than Katie. We were talking about books, how I love Harry Potter books and movies, then came her reply.
“My girlfriend also loves that movie.”
Ouch, super duper ouch. Aside from trying to forget that I have a girlfriend, it was clear as day that she also has a girlfriend. And didn’t I know about that when I stalked her? Of course I knew, but I ignored it and followed my feelings, followed my heart, which now is being blamed by my brain. Ugh. I replied a simple “Ok.” then deleted her number afterwards. I hope she won’t reply anymore. I have to stop this nonsense. I reminded myself that she has a girlfriend and I have one too. The guilt is slowly eating me. I thought of the indirect cheating I was doing on Katie, added by the fact that Dianne subtly told me she has a girlfriend. What else is there to think about? What I was doing is wrong, so I had to stop.
No reply came. And over the next few years, my life changed tremendously, as was hers. But nothing changed about how I feel about her. I still stalk her to this day…